Thursday, June 15, 2006

A Wardrobe Malfunction

Yesterday I went to Personal Torture and to Demon Diane's Salsa class. PT was painful, but, except for Shona making us laugh telling stuff I can't post here, uneventful. Not so the Salsa class. Diane was ravishing in a halter style, asymmetrical hemline flouncy dress. She was perfectly accessorized, right down to the aerobic shoes. Now, one might imagine that someone Jazzercising in a halter-top flouncy dress might be susceptible to the dreaded wardrobe malfunction, but Demon Diane pulled off the set without incident. It was my wardrobe that malfunctioned.

A while back (just before the commercial was taped) Casey, the Queen of Pain, shamed me into purchasing several new Jazzer-outfits. It was high time, since I'd been wearing the same oversized, faded T-shirts and capris for four or five years now. We were both sick of looking at them, so I trotted on over to Target and stocked up on capri-length exercise pants and matching tops. These tops are more fitted than my usual long, floppy T-shirts, and the capris have a stylish foldover band around the hips in a contrasting color. The stylish pink band on my black capris was the source of the problem.

Salsa dancing is hip-intensive. The stylish pink band around my VOLUPTUOUS hips wiggled itself into an un-folded-over position, making my capris full-length pants in mid-chanse. I adjusted them as good as I could while tangoing, only to find that they slipped even further down during the samba. I wrestled with those pants the entire class. It was very distracting--I'm sure I didn't get my heart rate up into the green zone (the place on the chart in the front of the room where I don't have enough breath to whine and my life is passing before my eyes). My pants never actually slid all the way off, but had I not fortuitously worn a Jazzercise T-shirt which is longer than my new matching top, the twenty people standing behind me would have had a gander at my pink flowered Victoria's Secrets.

I missed class today all together, but I have a good reason, several actually. I had to go to the mall, there were things I needed and Belks sent me several really good coupons in the mail. Also, everything is on sale right now. Then, I had a dermatologist appointment, followed by a hair appointment. I didn't even get to eat lunch until Christie had my foils in. I munched on a Chick-fil-a sandwich while my highlights processed. Then I had to go pick up prescriptions, and by that time it was after five. True, I could have made Julie's class, but then I would have been too sore to make it in the morning.

Obviously, I didn't get a thing written today. I'll do better tomorrow. Y'all hold me to it!!

Peace, out...

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Comments Primer

Hey all y'all who send me emails to encourage me, lambaste me for obsessing about flat-chested aliens, tell me how creative and smart I am, or to let me know that you are praying for me (and I sincerely appreciate all of the above): There is an easier way.

Here's how to post a comment (which will automatically be emailed to me):

1. Hold the pointer thingy over the word "comment" at the bottom of the post you want to rant about.
2. Click.
3. A new screen will come up. It makes it look like you have to log in, but don't be fooled--you don't have to create a login, etc.
4. Type whatever you want to say in the box under the words "Leave Your Comment". I would appreciate it if you sign the message, but you don't have to.
5. Underneath the line that says "choose an identity," click the radio button (circle thingy) by the word "Anonymous."
6. Click the "Login and Publish" box (even though you are not signing in at all). This will post your comment underneath my blog entry or the previous comment.
7. You can click on the "back" button on your browser's tool bar or click the line at the top of the page that says "the original post". Either way it may take a few seconds to see your comment, and you might have to hit the "refresh" button on your browser's tool bar (the button that looks like a piece of paper with the top right corner bent down that has two arrows pointing in the opposite direction).

I myself posted two anonymous comments on yesterday's blog while I was typing this to make sure I did it right.

I hope this has been helpful... Peace, out...

Monday, June 12, 2006

The Caring and Nurturing Alien

Okay, I missed Personal Torture this morning, but I had a good reason: Jim's flight got delayed, and he called to tell me he was coming back home and picking up breakfast on the way and what did I want. Now, it would have been rude of me to tell the man who pays for the Torture that I was so sorry but I could not take the time to sit across the breakfast table from him because I had to go squat against a wall and whine.

I did, however, make it to the 9:20 class. Myra, aka the caring and nurturing alien was on stage to sweat all those weekend calories out of us. She did a good job. We learned to tone a previously unknown body part: the back ta-tas. Back cleavage. She claims this is caused by a bra that is too tight, but if this is the case, why do we have to tone that particular area? It makes no sense. Also, she had us doing what looked like some sort of weird mass birthing exercise. We were sitting on our mats (all facing horizontally on account of her OCD), with our knees bent and spread wide pressing our inner thighs toward each other (in my case, not too far), and she was chanting "push, pull...push, pull." It scared me. I was having flashbacks from ** years ago when I gave birth to my only son. Childbirth is a beautiful experience. So beautiful, in fact, that I only needed to endure it once to fully appreciate it. They say you forget the pain, and I can only tell you that although I did not participate in natural childbirth, and encouraged them to pump me full of every available drug to make the process more pleasant, I REMEMBER AND IT WAS PAINFUL. So Myra, kindly take the birthing song out!!

She must be on some weird tear, because she also had something in her set that sounded like Russian folk dancing, but she swears is a German chick singing French. Oh, and Honky Tonk Badonkadonk, the country equivalent of Bootylicious. It was an eclectic set.

Gotta go write something... Peace, out...

Thursday, June 08, 2006

I Didn't Sleep a Wink Last night

Sometimes I say things (or blog them) before I think. As a point of pure fact, this happens more often than not. This leads to the occasional regret. Like last night. I tossed and turned, worrying myself into a frenzy thinking I might have hurt some poor woman's feelings with my use of the insensitive adjective "flat-chested." I would like to take this opportunity to offer my heartfelt apologies to all grown women everywhere who still wear training bras. I promise from now on to use the more sensitive term: mammary challenged. All y'all beautiful, healthy, skinny, alien women please forgive me and remember that at the root of my teasing is rabid envy.

On to more interesting things. This morning in Wendy's (who is apparently not an alien because I'd guess her to be a C-cup) class, someone on the front row--it might have been me, I can't remember--suggested to Wendy that Shona should come up on stage with her for the funky song. Wendy, who of course had the microphone, thought that was a great idea. Shona was not so enthusiastic, but once we all started chanting "Sho-Na! Sho-Na! Sho-Na!, " and clapping and whooping like a pack of wild hyenas, she indulged us. She has such a stage presence, our Shona. She showed us the bootylicious, low-impact version.

I forgot to tell y'all yesterday my good friend and neighbor of many years, Deanna, got her 100 club T-shirt. For the uninitiated, this is the shirt you earn by going to 100 Jazzercise classes within a year. Yeah Deanna!! But she shamed me. I have been after that girl for years to join Jazzercise, and she finally did six or eight months ago. Now, on June 7th, she is getting her T-shirt, and I haven't even hit 50. (Yes, sarcastic little alien voice in my head, I know I should listen to you and behave better.) I'm trying! Actually, this week I have been to 5 classes, and it's only Thursday afternoon. Myra (the nurturing alien) was just patting me on the back this morning.
If only we weren't leaving town in the morning...y'all pray for me that I'll have the strength to control myself and not eat so badly that I pile every calorie I burned this week back on with a whole passel of their friends...
Peace, out...

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Aliens Among Us

Proving once again that I am not the only person in Greer/Taylors, SC who has taken leave of their senses, 7 victims showed up VOLUNTARILY to personal Torture at 7:30 this morning: Little Bride, Sister-in-Law, Jersey Girl, Demon Diane (aka Hurricane), Shy-Town and Blog Girl (Moi). And, of course, Shona (I used to be a white girl). These are our Shona names.
Shona claims to have been born white and baked black by the sun. This may be true, cause she was singing country songs during class, and not too many bona fide Sisters like country music. She warned Demon Diane and Jersey Girl that they, too, would soon become irreversibly black if they didn't watch out. They sport nice tans. I don't know if they're gonna turn black or not, but they're both skinny, so I couldn't help but wish a few wrinkles on 'em. That wasn't very Christian of me, I know. But it's hard to think pretty thoughts about skinny women when you're Voluptuous.
Shona is Voluptuous like me. She claims that her man runnoft with a Big Girl, because Shona wasn't big enough for him. Brothers like big women, she says. So here is my question: Why is she submitting to Personal Torture, and why does she want a picture of Demon Diane to put on her refrigerator for motivation? There is nothing remotely Voluptuous about Demon Diane. I asked Shona to clarify this, and she said it has something to do with Diane's shape...her protuberant derriere. I have never personally noticed that Demon Diane had a protuberant derriere, but who am I to question a Sister's judgment in such matters?
Speaking of Demon yet another act of self-punishment, I stayed for her class. When will I learn? There is just something bad wrong with a woman who can dance till the sweat is positively running off of her--and I stand on the front row, so I can see it puddling up--and still have enough breath to cue every move with nary a gasp for air. Casey's like that, too. I have a theory on this: I think they're both aliens. This would also explain why they can eat and still be disgustingly thin. I mean, it could be all that exercise, I guess. But I personally would find it much more satisfying if they turned out to be aliens from some planet where all the women are disgustingly thin, beautiful and flat-chested.
Casey was lamenting her almost A's just this morning. I feel so bad for her, BLESS HER HEART. As I have informed her on several occasions, I would trade my ample bosom any day for her almost A's if I could have the rest of the package to go along with it.
Just now, as I typed that, this sarcastic little alien voice started whispering in my ear, "If you'd exercise like you're supposed to and stop eating all those Mega Moo Mocha Moolattes, you'd be fit, too."
Maybe, oh Queen of Pain...and maybe you're an alien.
By the way, for those of you with OCD, you'll be relieved to know that Myra straightened the mats during Demon Diane's class. Poor Myra...she could be an alien, too, I guess....she is thin, beautiful and flat- chested....and I have seen her eat...they're taking over!!!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Bless Myra's Heart, She Just Can't Help Herself

I have OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I do things that ordinary people don't do. For example, when at home, although we have four bathrooms in our house, when I need to go potty, I always use mine. The one next to my bedroom. Not the closest one, mine. Towels are only used once (this drives my sister crazy--I think she's reported me to the environmental police). Also, things in our house have to be kept in their place, or I become very upset. I never claimed to be normal.
One OCD can pick another one out of the crowd at fifty paces. I love Myra, but I have always known that she shares my disease. If ever there was any doubt, it would have been removed this morning when she stopped dancing in the middle of Wendy's class to match up the hand weights.
At Jazzercise of Taylors, there are two racks of handweights, one on each side of the stage. There are only a few sets of 3 lb weights, because most people use at least 4's. This morning, there were 3 3-lb weights on one side of the stage and 1 3-lb weight on the other side. Myra stopped in mid-shimmy to repair this rift in the fabric of the universe. I so understand...
Wendy's just back from vacation where she claims to have over-indulged, a sin for which we are all paying. She hurt me this morning. Lord, save me from Jazzercise instructors trying to burn off vacation eating. Or those getting ready to go on vacation or get get the picture. I guess it worked out though, since I have way more to work off than she does. There are desserts from 1987 riding around on my hips.
My dream is to someday be to the point where I can only worry about working off what I ate last week. Peace, out...

Monday, June 05, 2006

Catching My Breath

Okay, I know it's been a while. But I have a trunk of reasons. And they're all boring, so we'll skip those. I'll do better, I promise. The Blue Ridge Christian Writer's conference was awesome! I got back home on the 25th and have been recuperating ever since. There was so much going on it was hard to absorb it all. But I had a great time, made several new friends, met some wonderfully talented folks, listened to some fantastic motivational speakers...and spoke to a terrific agent who agreed to read my first three chapters.
Now, for those of you who are not struggling to get your first novel published, you might not realize what a big deal this is. This is tremendously superb news. I am happy. Please be happy with me. All together now....who-hooo!!
Now the bad news...the food was good but fattening. I did walk a lot, and it was uphill both ways, but I didn't come close to burning off the calories I took in. When three full meals plus three snacks are placed in front of you every day, well pounds tend to accumulate. All of my hard work being tortured by Casey has been undone.
But today, I hauled myself back to the dance floor and also signed up for another session of Personal Torture...I mean Touch.
I signed up for the same class that Shona is in...oh boy, I haven't told y'all about Shona. Shona is the funniest person I know who does not have a microphone. She needs one. The first time I met Shona was in a Personal Torture class the day after Mother's Day. She was allowing as to how she made her children call their daddy's girlfriend and wish her a happy Mother's Day because she likes her and wants her to stick around (so the kids can spend quality time with their daddy, giving Shona a much needed break). I laughed till I cried when she was telling this story, but I can't post all the details until I check with her...she might not want it on the internet. But everything that comes out of her mouth is hysterically funny, so you want her in your Personal Torture class to help keep your mind off the pain and agony.
I've been giving some consideration to the possibility that I'm spreading myself too thin (which is why I seldom have time to BLOG anymore). I'm in three local critique groups, and just palled up with an online critique buddy who I met at the conference. I may be spending more time critiquing and reading other people's critiques of my work than I am actually writing. I am considering cutting back. Also, the thing I'm finding is that often the people doing the critiques have conflicting advice, which requires me to spend an inordinate amount of time deciding who's right.
SO...I'm getting myself back on track, and hopefully will be posting more regularly. In the meantime, on a serious note, y'all pray for Myra and her family. Her mother's real sick and is being transported to a cardiac care facility in Florida.

Peace, out....