Monday, February 15, 2010

Valentine's Day

Last year around this time, Precariously Perky Julie devised a particularly brutal Jazzercise set. It was full of what my husband refers to as "Man-Hater" songs. Songs with lots of punching and kicking to lyrics like "Why'd you lie to me...good for nothing type of brother" (Anastacia) and "I'm not in love" (not the original by 10 CC but a remake).

The Queen of Pain used to have sets like this back during the unfortunate phase between He Whose Name Cannot be Uttered and when she found her True Love.

PPJ roared and  foamed at the mouth while teaching this set. At the time, I thought we really needed to find poor PPJ a man because we were all paying the price for what the last one had done--she like to put me in traction. I started to blog about it, but, then I thought, the poor girl is obviously upset about a recent breakup, so I didn't.

Fast forward to this year's Valentine's Day set. Same songs. Same growling. Same pain. At one pint, she shouted, "Angry hips!" WTF? I allowed as how this set seemed familiar, and I asked her, "Jules, are you mad at the same man from last year, or is this a new one?"

"ALL MEN!" she howled.

Hmm... this explains it. Women who look like Julie are without a man for one of three reasons: One, their romantic interests are not of the masculine variety (pretty sure that's not the case here); Two, they have some sort of screw loose, and no matter how gorgeous they are, they keep running men off (you know, women who boil rabbits and such--again, not the case--PPJ is a sweetheart when she's not kicking our rear ends); or, Three, some jackass has put them off men for good. They simply have decided they do not want another man, have adopted multiple cats, and watch a lot of reality TV.

This is our Julie.

This situation is not irreversible, but it requires a special man to repair the damage done to a woman's psyche after she has been jackassed. I'm thinking that the clientele of Jazzercise of Taylors should perhaps mount a search before next Valentine's Day. And, round up a posse to hunt down whoever did this to PPJ. We are paying for his jackassery.

Time for my aspirin...


Monday, February 08, 2010

Home Sweet Home

Okay, so I wasn't thrilled about coming home (where I have to make my own bed, breakfast, and afternoon cookies) but now that we're here, I'm warming up to the place.

No matter how nice the folks are everywhere else, OUR PEOPLE are here. Some of them, anyway. Our family's a little scattered, but there's a clan of our relatives and friends in Greenville, and I do miss them when we're gone.

Also, hotel beds have come a long way, but none of them is quite like the one in our room at home.

And, while hotels have treadmills, elliptical machines, stationary bikes, and indoor pools, at home, I can go to Jazzercise and dance while being mocked by an insanely thin ALIEN. As I've mentioned a time or two, The Queen of Pain is gorgeous (but once again completely flat-chested now that she's finished the final phase of her most recent birthing ritual--no more shimmying in her class--BLESS HER HEART). But, I think she'd be a little less cranky if she ate something besides salads and grilled chicken with steamed vegetables every day. You just know she's NEVER had a Mega Moo Mocha Moo Latte.

I want credit towards my 100 club T-shirt--which now takes 150 classes to earn--for all that huffing and puffing I did on treadmills, etc., but the Queen of Pain is having none of it. This is patently unfair, as I can't attend class while out of town, but have been working our regularly--okay, semi-regularly. I think I'll appeal this ruling to Precariously Perky Julie. I'm not holding my breath...

Off to take some aspirin and soak in the tub.

It's good to be home.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

I May Have Gypsy Blood

Last year I spent some time on tracing my family tree and Jim's. Okay, Jim is part Cherokee, and I really wanted to see if we could document this. No, I was not angling for a casino check to support my writing habit.

Anyway, I found no evidence of gypsy blood on my side of the family, but there was one branch I couldn't trace past four generations, even though we ordered the DNA test that was supposed to put you in touch with your dead relatives.

I'm now thinking perhaps these folks were gypsies...nomads...vagabonds.

Because I am loving this mobile life style. We're headed home tomorrow, and I DON'T WANT TO GO. The Hilton Garden Inn and/or a Hampton Inn now feels more like home to me than my own house. I have the system down here. And I don't ever have to clean or cook...


Maybe we'll sell the house and just live in hotels. They even have a party room for Karaoke night...

I wish this didn't appeal to me so much.